Jersey Snore S03 E08

 

"Listening to Mike about relationship problems is like listening to a sailor about flying a plane."

 

SAMMI. RONNIE. WE GET IT. You just broke up, it’s been hard on both of you, and you need some time to get over it. Fine. There’s nothing wrong with that. But why do your loyal viewers have to see every cringe-inducing aftershock of this final break-up?

Ronnie crying in the bathroom, Ronnie crying on the deck, Ronnie crying in the bathroom at work. Dude, you’re emotional and that’s cool, but seriously bro, you need to dial back on the ‘roids. You knew this was coming big buddy, and you kind of destroyed Sam’s life at the house last week. So take your own advice, grow a pair of balls, and think about exactly why you had this coming. No one’s gonna tell it like it is except for me and Snooks here, but you and Sammi do not belong together.

You guys feed off negative energy the way most people in relationships try to encourage positive vibes. And the whole, “I don’t wanna talk to you” thing whenever Sammi tries to initiate a dialogue about the relationship is so 1985. If you’re not afraid to cry on camera, then you shouldn’t be afraid to have an honest conversation about your relationship with Sammi. Stop shutting her down, bro, because bitches like that don’t come around every day.

But Sammi, seriously, you do have to work on that whole pissy, sour-faced bitch thing. Let’s say you’re spending a month with your man. Out of those 30 days, you’re only allowed 6-8 bitch days, max 10, before he should just leave your sorry ass already. Sammi, sweetheart, you were an irascible see you next Tuesday to Ron-Ron basically every time we’ve seen you together. I know he deserves it most of the time, but you can’t go off on him when he hasn’t done anything wrong. He’s like a dog; you’ve gotta yell at them no more than 15 seconds after they’ve piddled on the rug or bitten a juicehead (according to my dad), or they won’t know what they’re being punished for. Same with Ronnie. If he’s a dick to you, then sure, let him know how you feel. But if you’re just chilling at the club and he’s having a drink with the boys, seriously girl, relax! He hasn’t pooped on the carpet yet!

And Ron, dude, you’re borderline abusive here. If Sammi takes you back after all this just because you sent her some discount roses from your Uncle Gio’s flower shop, well then she has a bigger heart and much less self-respect than any other woman I know (Not that I really know you Sammi, but you seem like a really cool chick when you’re not pissed at Ron).

Anyway, now that I’ve solved all your relationship problems, can we please see a Snooki or JWOWW-heavy episode next week? Shit guys, at this point I’ll even settle for a Mike episode, as long as it takes the heat off Ronnie and the now-absent Sammi. Dealing with the fallout from a break-up is never pleasant, but there’s actually nothing worse than watching other people mope around and feel sorry for themselves. Here’s hoping Jersey Shore gets the picture and gives its fans what they really want next week: MORE SNOOKI.

Stay tuned!

“Don’t Ever Talk to Me Again”: Sammi Snaps and Ron-Ron Retaliates on Jersey Shore S03 E07

"Be a woman and man-up for your shit for once."

Here’s the problem with Jersey Shore, Ron-Ron, and the rest of the male guidos: do they want their women to act like women, or do they want them to “get some balls,” as Ronnie articulately demands, and act like men? And what does it mean to be a woman or a man in the guidoverse? The Guido Boys make jokes about how the women in the house should be cooking and cleaning, but then they fuss with their hair and cook elaborate Sunday dinners. Women are unsurprisingly seen as bitches, whores, and the rarest unicorn: the sort of girl you’d bring home to Mama and eventually make your wife. She can even be a bitch, like Sammi Sweetheart, but she should never ever be a whore. That violates basic tenets of guido culture.

So let’s review: both women and men engage in some basic GTL (Gym-Tanning-Laundry for you Jersey Shore neophytes), both can be employed at a boardwalk t-shirt shop, and both can skive off work at 11AM for some tequila shots at the bar next-door. A guido never hits a lady guido (also known as a “guidette”), but lady guidos can brawl with each other and occasionally deliver crushing right hooks to their guido men. Profanity-laden diatribes are common and socially-acceptable, but it is possible to cross a certain line. Tossing all your ex-girlfriend’s personal belongings onto the deck and smashing her glasses in a fit of ‘roid rage because she had the audacity to sexy-dance with a juicehead at the club just isn’t cool, bro.

It doesn’t matter if she left a used tampon in the bathroom (ahem, Angelina) or puked into your favorite bedazzled Ed Hardy t-shirt–you just don’t trash someone’s personal property. The oft-called family’s reactions to Ronnie’s behavior are integral to understanding this unwritten guido moral code. When Sammi confronts Ronnie about his reckless destruction of her side of the shared room, she doesn’t get angry immediately. First she tries to understand what kind of guido, and what kind of man, commits such a heinous act:

"It amazes me how you can do what you've done and get away with it like murder. But the one time that I do something out of spite, it's not okay for you. *burp* This is not okay."

Certain actions have correlating punishments for these housemates, but the crime of sexy-dancing is too minor an offense to warrant Ron’s insane actions. Ron’s behavior offers a nice counterpart to J WOWW’s (aka Jenni) recent relationship drama. After a phone call break-up, Jenni’s ex-boyfriend Tom leaves her two dogs trapped in their house with no food and water. When Jenni arrives to rescue her poochies, she enters her bedroom and sees that Tom has done much the same thing as Ronnie. Some of her stuff is trashed, but Tom has also stolen valuables, like her watch and her external hard drive.

On this episode of Jersey Shore, we see Tom’s perspective on the failed relationship with Jenni through the massive, hulking lens of Ronnie. We see the events that prompt Ronnie’s actions and have to wonder what kind of person is capable of ransacking another human being’s life. Even Mike called out Ronnie for his behavior, saying that Ron was disregarding a basic “human code” of conduct that transcends both “boy code” and “girl code.”

What I’m most curious about is how the group will treat Ronnie now that Sammi has left the house. Will they ostracize him for his clearly despicable behavior, or will they act as if nothing’s happened? Mike is quite the apologetic Ron-Ron appeaser, but since he did acknowledge the severity of Ronnie’s behavior, will he be the one to confront him? Guess we’ll find out next week. Stay tuned!