Jersey Snore S03 E08

 

"Listening to Mike about relationship problems is like listening to a sailor about flying a plane."

 

SAMMI. RONNIE. WE GET IT. You just broke up, it’s been hard on both of you, and you need some time to get over it. Fine. There’s nothing wrong with that. But why do your loyal viewers have to see every cringe-inducing aftershock of this final break-up?

Ronnie crying in the bathroom, Ronnie crying on the deck, Ronnie crying in the bathroom at work. Dude, you’re emotional and that’s cool, but seriously bro, you need to dial back on the ‘roids. You knew this was coming big buddy, and you kind of destroyed Sam’s life at the house last week. So take your own advice, grow a pair of balls, and think about exactly why you had this coming. No one’s gonna tell it like it is except for me and Snooks here, but you and Sammi do not belong together.

You guys feed off negative energy the way most people in relationships try to encourage positive vibes. And the whole, “I don’t wanna talk to you” thing whenever Sammi tries to initiate a dialogue about the relationship is so 1985. If you’re not afraid to cry on camera, then you shouldn’t be afraid to have an honest conversation about your relationship with Sammi. Stop shutting her down, bro, because bitches like that don’t come around every day.

But Sammi, seriously, you do have to work on that whole pissy, sour-faced bitch thing. Let’s say you’re spending a month with your man. Out of those 30 days, you’re only allowed 6-8 bitch days, max 10, before he should just leave your sorry ass already. Sammi, sweetheart, you were an irascible see you next Tuesday to Ron-Ron basically every time we’ve seen you together. I know he deserves it most of the time, but you can’t go off on him when he hasn’t done anything wrong. He’s like a dog; you’ve gotta yell at them no more than 15 seconds after they’ve piddled on the rug or bitten a juicehead (according to my dad), or they won’t know what they’re being punished for. Same with Ronnie. If he’s a dick to you, then sure, let him know how you feel. But if you’re just chilling at the club and he’s having a drink with the boys, seriously girl, relax! He hasn’t pooped on the carpet yet!

And Ron, dude, you’re borderline abusive here. If Sammi takes you back after all this just because you sent her some discount roses from your Uncle Gio’s flower shop, well then she has a bigger heart and much less self-respect than any other woman I know (Not that I really know you Sammi, but you seem like a really cool chick when you’re not pissed at Ron).

Anyway, now that I’ve solved all your relationship problems, can we please see a Snooki or JWOWW-heavy episode next week? Shit guys, at this point I’ll even settle for a Mike episode, as long as it takes the heat off Ronnie and the now-absent Sammi. Dealing with the fallout from a break-up is never pleasant, but there’s actually nothing worse than watching other people mope around and feel sorry for themselves. Here’s hoping Jersey Shore gets the picture and gives its fans what they really want next week: MORE SNOOKI.

Stay tuned!

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