Shedding for the Wedding, or What’s Eating Reality TV on The CW?

Well, this just seems needlessly cruel.

Reality television, have you given up? The CW used to be a haven for primetime soaps rife with angsty teenagers and parents who just didn’t understand. Before cable, when I wanted really terrible reality shows, I’d watch FOX. I have great memories of Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie shoveling manure on The Simple Life, but when I think about the CW (or at least when I was a kid, the WB), it was all One Tree Hill and 7th Heaven.

What happened here? Has your early aughts demographic aged enough that now all we think about is getting hitched? And when we’re not pondering wedded bliss, are we contemplating our massive weight gains after years of sitting on the couch to watch our favorite CW (or most likely, WB/UPN) programs?

So I guess from this perspective, Shedding for the Wedding makes sense. We grew up with your crappy sitcoms, and now we’re going to lose weight vicariously with your crappy reality television. What’s next, CW? Might I offer a few suggestions as my generation plods heavily into the next stage of life?

• Business Babies: tagline–The Show Where Your Baby Learns the Value of a Dollar
• Divorce, Of Course!: A high-stakes competition where winners receive gratis legal counsel and mediation conducted by an ex-porn star
• Shedding for the Second Wedding: no explanation needed
• Debt-Setters: Contestants travel around the world performing embarrassing stunts for the chance to eliminate their credit card and student loan debt–Fear Factor meets Deal Or No Deal
• Senior Moment: After ten years of marriage, can you still remember your wife’s birthday? Or your children’s names?

Wow, coming up with mediocre reality television shows is pretty draining! Now I can see that Jersey Shore really is one of the best. If my other options for mindless reality TV are as bad as these, then I guess I’ll stick to my friends at the shore every time. Either that or Food Network, where I can have my competitive cupcakes and shed them too. Can’t get fat from watching other people bake thousands of miniature cupcakes–only really, really hungry. Stay tuned!