MICHELLE. Michelle, Michelle, Michelle. I just don’t know what to do with you.
I hated you, girl, I really did. You were the token bitch (sorry, mom! I know you said less profanity!) on The Bachelor, but every reality show has at least one (Sammi or J WOWW? You be the judge!) You were hilariously mean to the other women, you were spiteful when things didn’t go your way, and you preyed on Brad like one of those mate-eating spiders. Jackie’s perception of you is certainly accurate, but is it possible we missed something?
Michelle, you had some seriously good spin on this reunion show. Host Chris Harrison seems to love you, jumping to your defense before the other women so much as called you out for your tacky jewelry or brassy highlights. He even offered some succinct psychoanalysis of your myriad defense mechanisms throughout the show. We get it, you’re mean-spirited and cruel because it’s just so hard to be open with a man like Brad. Rather than work through your drama, like every other woman on the show, and fall in love with a guy you’ve just met (which is another issue entirely!), you chose to belittle women for having emotions and trying to connect with Brad.
To be honest, Miche, this sort of behavior on a reality television show wouldn’t normally bother me. I love a good scripted cat fight as much as the next dame, but I couldn’t take any pleasure in your antics after seeing the way you interacted with the women and the way you interacted with Brad. You were openly dismissive of the other women, even in front of Brad, but as soon as you and the bachelor were alone, you were nauseatingly sweet and vulnerable.
I’m with Jackie on this one (and she’s an “artist” from “Brooklyn,” so that’s saying something)–I don’t buy the act. You can’t eviscerate your competition with a look or a well-turned phrase and then play the simpering little girl with Brad. And another thing Michelle: you mentioned your daughter in one episode of The Bachelor and then on the reunion show you expect us to believe your maternal sob story? I don’t think I’m being unnecessarily harsh when I note that you’re not winning Mother of the Year any time soon.
Now look what you’ve made me do: I’ve become the exact woman I’ve decried you for being. I’m tearing apart another woman in a public forum even though she probably has no real ill-will towards me. You think the Ashleys, Emily, Chantal, Shawntel and Xiantelle were out to get you? Come on, Michelle. They were playing the game and trying to find love, just like you. You had no reason to disparage any of them, and I have no right to comment on your surely respectable mothering skills. So lay off the other ladies, alright? It makes you look like a mean person, as well as a terrible actress, and we both know that can’t possibly be good for your nascent career.